


Repulsed and Repulsive

by MerakiForest



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Ace!Sirius, Angst, Asexual Character, Asexuality Spectrum, Body Image, Brotherly Love, Canon Compliant, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Sex-Repulsed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-18
Updated: 2020-09-18
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:28:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26522947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MerakiForest/pseuds/MerakiForest
Summary: Sirius is uncomfortable with all the girls (and some boys) talking about him and his body, and James finally gets him to admit it.
Relationships: Sirius Black & James Potter
Comments: 2
Kudos: 26
Collections: Harry Potter Ace Fest 2020





	Repulsed and Repulsive

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so honored to be participating in Harry Potter Ace Fest 2020! There were so many great prompts and I hope that I did this one justice.  
> Prompt #73: Sirius is uncomfortable with all the girls (and some boys) talking about him and his body.
> 
> I decided to have a little fun with the structure and flow of the story and I hope that it is an enjoyable read. :D

A warm autumn day full of sunshine was the perfect invitation to all Hogwarts students to abandon their schoolwork and take advantage of the fresh air before the cold winds moved in. It was a day like this that begged for the Marauders to be up to grander and grander mischief, engaging in a rough-and-tumble game of Catch The Snitch, or at the very least hunting down Snivellus for some entertainment.

But that pleasant day found Sirius Black curled up under his bed in Padfoot's skin, hiding away from his friends and everyone else. Large pointed ears twitched and swiveled as they heard the familiar sounds of shuffling feet and a skipped step on the stairs. The Marauders had developed certain superstitions in order to minimize getting caught in the execution of pranks and to keep them from getting badly hexed by angered parties. Skipping the 13th step on the way up to their rooms was one of the first superstitious rituals they had come up with and by now it was a habit for all of them. A pleasant bonus to this ritual was that this skipped step also helped the boys recognize if a fellow Marauder was coming up the stairs or if they needed to hide supplies and projects before someone outside of their brotherhood burst in. 

As it was, these familiar steps belonged to James Potter and the door bursting open with enough force to bounce off the wall to proveit. "Sirius?! You in here?!!"

James always seemed to have too much energy to be able to speak at a normal volume and Padfoot snuffled as his dog ears folded back. He made a few unhappy whines but didn't otherwise move or attempt to alert his best friend to his position. Brown eyes peeked under the bed and James nodded as if he had proved himself correct yet again. James was never wrong about anything (except maybe the fact that Lily would eventually give in to his charms). 

"There you are! Come on out."

Annoyed huff.

"Out, you brute."

Growl.

"I can't well talk to you if you insist on hiding out under there!" he insisted before reaching under and grasping Sirius by the scruff. 

Padfoot snapped his sharp teeth in warning but James completely ignored the gesture and continued tugging. Padfoot was not a small dog by any stretch of the imagination, but that didn't deter the fit Chaser any from achieving his goal. With a final huff of aggravation, the black dog laid on his side and allowed James to drag him out from under the bed.

"Okay, now that I can see you properly," James huffed as he pushed his glasses back up the slightly crooked stretch of nose, "do I need to get M--ny and Wormtail to help me hex someone out of their mind?"

Those scarred and calloused fingers ran comfortingly through the pitch black fur and Sirius let out a happy whine before doing his best to shake his head so that James could understand.

"Okay, no hexing anyone. Pranking?"

Another shake of the head.

"Hmm, okay. Is this something that I need to...let go?"

Sirius knew that James would drop it if he asked him to and it was pretty tempting. This was embarrassing and something that he didn't really understand. While James had never looked down on him for any of his multitude of issues, Sirius couldn't help but always wonder if this was finally the one to break the strand of his best friend's understanding. What if this was something that James would make fun of him for? Golden dog eyes glanced up and saw the patient expression waiting for his response. 

At 16 James Potter was starting to develop very adult features and looking more like his father every day. That well defined jawline, prominent laryngeal prominence, and even his eternally messy hair was looking more grown up. This was the boy that hadn't been the slightest bit bothered by rooming with a werewolf or becoming an illegal Animagus for said werewolf. He was the young man that had risked a Bludger to the face in a William-Tell-esque dare because someone dared insinuate that Sirius Black was a subpar Beater. James was the only person in their little band of mischief makers that was so completely and honestly real and confident, and yet he had only ever used it to help his friends out and cement their bonds to each other. 

With a final hot lick against the peach-fuzzed cheek, Sirius shifted back into his Boy Skin and sat knee-to-knee with his best friend. 

"I'll punch you in the face if you laugh," he warned.

James shrugged. "Not the worst you could do. But go ahead."

Sirius smoothed a hand over his school robes. "I just...get real bothered. By people talking about me."

"Who's talk---about you?!" James demanded with a growl and a protective sneer. 

His hexes hadn't been getting a lot of use lately, but the older student knew that it wouldn't take much to goad him into using them more often. Especially if it was in the defense of a comrade. 

"It's not the kind of talk you're thinking, James," Black sighed, focused on picking at a loose strand. 

There were many things that other students whispered about him - his family's dark history, the drama of the past summer, and the way he seemed to always buck against the rules - but none of these bothered him much. Why care about what others thought of him when he had three brothers who thought the world of him instead? Four brothers, on a good day with Regulus. 

"Then Wh-t?"

Soft eyes that bore a strong resemblance to the Mrs. Potter were drooped a bit at the ends and looked almost babyish when his eyes widened in concern. A doe-eyed stag.

"They talk about...me. _Me_."

"You." James looked confused now.

"Yes," Sirius tried to explain as one hand gestured the length of his seated body. "Me. Like, all of me."

"Um, okay."

Both teens stared at each other awkwardly, something that wasn't common between them, before Sirius sighed more heavily and tried again.

"The girls and even some guys like to talk about...my body. Things that they...notice. Or like."

James still looked confused but he wasn't laughing or leaning away in annoyance. He wasn't taking it like the joking around Sirius had been afraid he would take it as.

"Are you talking about McKinnon complimenting your Beater arms?" he asked for clarification. Sirius shrugged and tugged more harshly on the loosening strand. "P------, this is obviously bothering you, so you need to help me understand."

_"USE YOUR WORDS!" Walburga used to screech and Sirius could feel that admonition down to his aching marrow._

"It's that and more. Other things. More...explicit things."

"The girls - and some guys - really like you," James stated with a shrug as if it was only to be expected.

Sirius knew this he had grown into his more conventionally attractive body after puberty. Even as a child though, he was always been called "pretty" and "beautiful" and "absolutely darling" because of his looks. Those statements annoyed him, having such a focus on a detail of a person that was probably the least important. Who cared if your skin was flawless? Could you do a Davy maneuver on a broomstick? Could you chug a full glass of butterbeer down in 60 seconds or less? Could you spend three years of focused study and effort in order to achieve the status of an illegal Animagus?

All of those things were far more important than something as shallow as a person's looks. 

"I know that, James," he muttered. "That's...that's what bothers me. They like me because of my looks, not for any other reason."

The Potter Heir's head tilted curiously. "I mean, your posh g--d looks and that charm---personality. And probably your deplorable reputation. That's attractive to some people."

Sirius growled in annoyance. Why was this so hard to explain?!

"They don't know me at all, James! And they just get focused on my body! They talk about my arms, and chest, and legs, and _everything_! I hate it!" 

Just thinking about the eyes that would roam over his body, the leers as they tried to imagine what was under his robes or under his Quidditch gear, the off-color comments in the locker room - he hunched in on himself and shuddered. There was a gagging sensation tickling at the back of his throat and the tears threatened to well up in his eyes but he fought to keep them at bay. Blacks didn't cry (with the exception of soft R------). 

A hand settled on his thigh and Sirius flinched in surprise. James startled and pulled his hand back uncertainly. After a few calming breaths, Sirius reached out and took James' hand in his. Those dark eyes studied him, but it was a different scrutiny than the hungry glances often sent his way. This was his brother, the one person who understood him and loved him the most. Even when Sirius constantly doubted himself and James, the other Pureblood had never failed him or left him. 

"It really bothers you when people talk about your body?" James questioned carefully, his had a comforting weight in Sirius' hand. 

"Yes," Sirius whispered, looking down at the floor shamefully. He didn't withhold the shudder of revulsion at the thought of those lusty eyes and hands. "I hate it. _Hate_ it."

"Okay," James replied calmly as if such an admittance was something normal rather than something abnormal. "We can redirect conversations when it comes it. M---y and Wormtail would help too. Is it okay to tell them?

It was harder to see James' face anymore. There was maybe a hint of a smile on those lips.

"Yeah? You guys won't care?"

The snort from James sounded fuzzy and further away. 

"Of course not, stupid. You should never worry, we care abo-- you and will always b- on your side."

There was a swelling of affection burning in Sirius' chest, and it was hurting. Hurting too much. 

Pale fingers reached out, trying to take hold of his best friend, his brother. It was agonizing, the wanting to once more feel the warmth of those hands and arms. To sling his arm over the shorter man and mess with that unruly hair. To lean over together and whisper about plans and dreams. No more nipping at the hooves while they were romping through the woods and keeping track of a werewolf friend. 

There was no more warmth here.

Dampness clung to everything and the chill had long ago sunk down to his very marrow. The now familiar disorientation that came from being in such close quarters with the hellish creatures made him tremble and gag for different reasons than the memory had provided. A lifetime of being trapped in a cell with the Dementors cruelly stripping away all the good of memories was ravaging his body just as badly as his mind. Stormy grey eyes stared at the cell bars where the hooded figure floated silent but for the rattling breaths as it fed on the joy and love that had dared make an appearance. 

It was funny now, and a familiar laugh was bubbling up in his own rattling chest. It was the laugh that burst out of him on that Muggle street, that echoed as he was dragged off to Azkaban without so much as a trial to determine whether he was guilty of what they accused him of. Another wave of ice rocked through him as the Dementor took in another feeding breath and it was enough to drive the man to the only comfort that he was left with.

Fur sprouted and skin shifted along with bones and sinews until he was once more Padfoot. Limping tiredly into a dark corner, golden eyes watched as the Dark Creature sniffed around for another minute before gliding away. The crash of waves and lightning hid the quiet whimper as the Animagus tried to remember what exactly James had told him that day, words that had comforted him for so many years.

Azkaban was sure to make it that no one would ever look at his body with desire again, but that was a small comfort as he grieved the loss of that precious moment and so many others like it. 

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly, I really struggled with a title for this that properly fit, so I am totally open to suggestions, haha! Feel free to comment below or once the fest is over you can DM me over on Tumblr. 
> 
> Also, I wanted to point out that the chopping up of words like "wo--s" was intentional in the first part of the story. I was aiming to let the reader know that something was going on and to keep them wondering and trying to figure out as things unfolded. I hope that it wasn't too disorienting (my beta seemed to think that it was pretty easy to realize once you finished the story) and that you enjoyed the story with it.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
